Come on guys, its foolproof!

Come on people, it could have worked! A British gang of wannabe pirates have been caught after making their getaway on a punt (which has a top speed of 3mph). The clueless bunch had decided to  paddle to the Haven boatyard in Cambridgeshire under the cover of darkness and rob the place. Having successfully loaded the flat bottomed boat  with two flatscreen televisions, a DVD player, two electricity generators and copious amounts of alcohol, all they had to do was get the hell out of there. Hmm, I guess they didn’t expect police with night-vision goggles to spot them slowly floating down the River Ouse. No chance of a speedy getaway that way boys and girl! Shall I name and shame them? What the hell, why not. Take a bow (no pun intended) James Parkinson, Khushmet Bardell , Rachel Helleur and the 17 year old dude who was too young to be named!

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Well, ladies have I got the perfect gift for you, the “Angels Knee Pillow” or as the Japanese like to call it Tenshi no Hizamakura. Some narky little housewife must have come up with this one. It’s a toilet knee stool for men. Yep, it is designed for men to kneel whilst peeing, giving them less distance to miss the friggin bowl. No more cleaning that toilet seat ladies! Kneeling whilst pissing makes it that much harder for men to spray all over the place. So much more hygenic. Ooh and wait for it…it comes in two diffent styles the “eco” bench ($50) or the deluxe DX two piece ($60). Can’t wait to see hubby’s face when he unwraps one of those for Christmas.

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A man walks into a Deveroes store in Dayton and proceeds to steal clothes off the racks, stuffing them up his shirt and in his pants. Before making a getaway he notices a pile of job application forms on the front counter, so he decides to fill one out. Heck, why not he knows the stuff they have is worth stealing, right? Unfortunately for Stanley Wright, the friggin alarms went off when he tried leaving the store.The staff promptly rang police after Mr Wright fled and gave them  the application form which he had neatly filled out with his name and address. When they came a knocking Mr Wright was busily ironing one of the pairs of jeans he had stolen.

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Hows that working for ya?

Fred Flintstone rang and he wants his bike back! OK Mr Guan Baihua,  now that you have patented the bike from hell, now what? Mr Baihua from Quindao China has spent nearly two years of his life developing a bike which has a five sided pentagon front wheel and a triangle shaped back wheel. Hmm, despite making you look like a complete fool it is guaranteed to make you lose weight because of of all the effort you need to make it move! Mr Baihua said “There are too many identical mass-manufactured things. More and more, people like weird and rarely seen stuff. Making this bike gives people an alternative,”. Hmm, yeah like walking! If anyone is interested Mr Baihua is looking for a manufacturer to mass produce!

Psst Hate to get a friggin flat tyre!

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WTF... cheese to the left, bitch!

Lyndel Toppin wasn’t happy with his cheese placement in his meatball sandwich so he did what any picky eater would do,chopped off (well, nearly) the finger of the sandwich maker…his fiance. Hmm, yep all went downhill after Toppin (appropriate name!) wasn’t at all happy where his missus had placed the cheese on his hoagie roll, so he up and grabbed a knife and attacked her. Not just happy with severing a finger, he then bit down on the woman’s wrist refusing to let go (man he was mad!).23 stitches and a damaged ligament later, Toppin was arrested and charged with aggravated and simple assault, reckless endangerment, possessing an instrument of crime , harassment… all on a sesame seed roll.Superintendent John Reilly Jr at the George W. Hill Correctional Facility said “Wait until he gets a load of the prison food,”.

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Police in Germany were stunned when they started linking DNA from 39 different murder scenes to one person, a female. Holy female serial killer Batman. The police came to the conclusion they were dealing with a bizarre female serial killer with no particular MO (modus operandi), signature, pattern.Her DNA was on bullets, bottles even a friggin biscuit. They set up a task force including hundreds of detectives to hunt the woman for over two years but couldn’t find any valuable leads. They even offered a reward in the hope of stopping the mysterious phantom serial killer’s reign of terror. Over 800 previously convicted women were questioned.Then, when they were at their wits end, a breakthrough. Detectives traced the DNA to a factory worker. Yeah a worker who packaged the friggin cotton buds used by the police to collect samples. Whoops, no serial killer just a careless employee. Put that one down to experience.

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Google Earth is becoming a friggin CCTV for alien enthusiasts. The latest image to get the “we are not alone” believers excited appeared in the town of Berkeley Heights in New Jersey (the alien was obviously lost!). ET was spotted loitering behind a bush next to a beam of light. Hmm,I hoping he wasn’t going for a leak? How embarrassing! The “alien” image was photographed on Diamond Hill Road about thirty miles from the Big Apple.Enter every friggin Strange Phenomena Expert with an opinion. What I want to know is who the hell was searching the bushes of a semi rural road in Berkeley Heights,anyways hmm? Well, one thing is for certain, it ain’t no water pumping facility.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you wanna see it right? Well, its your lucky day here are two friggin photos of ET in New Jersey. Can someone please give him a phone!

Cant I take a piss in private?

Clutching at straws people!

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I could hear a siren alright!

Carrying on like an idiot in Australia will get you a $400 fine (that’ll be about $3 in US dollars, kidding!!!). Dwayne Ellwin Boyd,from Mandurah, Western Australia, pleaded guilty to disorderly behavior after howling like a dog in his front yard.Hmm, Wolverine envy? Dwayne was a tad drunk when police came a knocking at his Greenfields home in January after neighbors complained about his constant howling.But like a typical naughty canine once the attention had gone he began barking and howling again.Magistrate Terence McIntyre said Boyd was “carrying on like an idiot.”

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My Bad?

Hmm, it wasn’t Tinkerbell dancing around with a wand at a funeral in North Carolina. Nope, it was some friggin gatecrashing nutter, who was away with the pixies. Nicole Leonard came dancing into a funeral service waving her wand, whilst shocker mourners watched in disbelief as she began hurling flowers from the casket. Horrified family members, who had no idea who this woman was, were even more stunned when she touched the corpse’s face and whacked it with the wand. After finishing her routine she continued to dance out of the service and into her car. A policeman later arrested Ms Leonard who said she did it because “it felt like the right thing to do at the time,”. Hmm, beam you up Scotty!

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Dear god, Chinese immigrant Vince Li got away with murder. A Canadian judge has deemed Mr Li mentally ill, thus not criminally responsible for decapitating a sleeping passenger on a Greyhound bus and then trying to eat him (good to know!). Mr Li made world headlines after shocked greyhound passengers fled in horror, as for no apparent reason, he attacked fellow passenger Tim McLean with a knife.It was later revealed that Mr McLean’s ear, nose and tongue were found in Li’s pocket.Justice John Scurfield in delivering his verdict said “He did not appreciate the actions he committed were morally wrong,”. He will now be will be institutionalized without a criminal record and reassessed every year by a mental health review board to determine if he is well enough to return back into the community (oh great!). Hello, what about Tim McLean? His distressed mother said “A crime was still committed here, a murder still occurred.There was nobody else on that bus holding a knife, slicing up my child.” There will never be closure for that family.

Hmm, so does this mean all mentally ill people are free to commit heinous crimes under the umbrella of not responsible for their actions? Don’t get me wrong, mental illness is a complex and extraordinary difficult issue and I have great empathy for people who struggle with it everyday . But if you remove accountability from society where does it leave us? Surely Mr Li could have been given some charge. Nobody would question the fact Mr Li was mentally ill when he beheaded Mr McLean, nobody would question the right for Mr Li to receive the proper care and treatment , nobody would question the right for Mr Li to serve time in an institution rather than a prison. But to have NO criminal record!!!!!!!

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