And you think Im nuts!

WTF. A paedophile pensioner with a 30 year history of abusing little kiddies has been prescribed Viagra on the National Health System (NHS) in the UK. Bless! Roger Martin who is 71 simply went to his GP and asked for it because he suffers from diabetes (evidently that helps!). And guess what? There isn’t a single thing anyone can do about it! Probation officers who are assigned to Mr Martin are just shaking their heads in disbelief. To make the situation all the more disturbing Mr Martin has just this week escaped a jail sentence after assaulting an 11 year old last year because the judge believed he ‘wouldn’t be able to cope’ behind bars.WTF Nanny State? Peterborough MP Stewart Jackson said: “This is a bizarre and outrageous example of where common sense gets thrown out of the window in preference to so-called human rights and political correctness.”

Psst You know I sometimes wonder whether this is all done deliberately to keep the well oiled machine going. Pedophile re-offends, police arrest him, judge keeps him out of jail, doctor prescribes Viagra, he re-offends, police arrest him…. Now everyone is happy and all their jobs are safe!

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Why don't you smell my breath officer!!!

Donald May is suing the Kissimmee Police Department after he spent three months behind bars because of his mints. Mr May was driving home from work when cops pulled him over for an expired tag, next thing he knows they are accusing him of chewing crack and promptly arrested him. Turns out that crack he was chewing was in fact breath mints. The officer, on the other hand, claims he saw Mr May purchase the drugs while at an intersection and that when he was pulled over he promptly ate the evidence. The officer also claims the field test on the remains of the white substance in Mr May’s mouth tested positive for drugs! Hmm? Anywho Mr May couldn’t raise the bond so he spent 3 months behind bars waiting for the test results. In the meantime the police department auctioned off his car, he lost his job and also his apartment.

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That ain't helping!!

Geez, first you become the new queen of the track, next thing you know you are being accused of being a man! Could life get any better? Seems some of Caster Semenya’s rivals aren’t too happy she won the 800m nor the fact she looks suspiciously like a man. Bummer! The 18 year old will now be required to undergo a gender test to dispel rumors and accusations. The relative rise from obscurity to become the women’s 800m world champion has more than raised a few eyebrows, especially as she eclipsed defending champion Janeth Jepkosgei by over 2 and half seconds. Results will be in, in about two weeks, but for Semenya I am thinking it really is a lose/lose situation. If it is proven she is a man, she will face the humiliation that only scandal brings and if the results prove she really is a woman, well she will have to face a whole different kind of humiliation.

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Oh dear god, not since Daly was arrested at Hooters has golf been in such disarray. As denials and allegations of foul play on the 18th (Buick Open) spread around the golfing world, CBS are in damage control. Oh yeah, they are denying it was Tiger who let rip on the 18th with a big old finger being pointed at the friggin mike man.Oh adda boys, blame the sound guy! But if you look closely at the footage Tiger actually lifts his leg at the time of impact. Now people, once you get your fart on TMZ it’s time to grab your lawyer because “FartGate” is now taking on a life of it’s own. Tiger has single handedly brought golf tumbling off it’s pedestal and down to the level of common man. Check out the video, guilty or innocent?

Psst So if a tiger farts in the woods and no one can hear, does it still smell?

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OK, my original story was going to be about the Muff Road sign in New Zealand and how the residents are really pissed that people keep stealing it as a souvenir. So as I normally do, I did some research on the word muff, which is sometimes used to describe a woman’s vagina. It was here my story took a sudden and shocking deviation. Dear god, has anyone been on the Vulva Wiki page? Big friggin warning before you click people….no seriously…I wouldn’t look if you have a heart condition or embarrass easily. OK, on the count…one…two…three. …http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muff_(genitals) .

Oh and isn’t the message priceless…

Honey, can you stand still so I can get a nice sharp reliable reference! And what’s with the “needs additional verification? Nope I think it’s a vulva. Geez and to think the topless nun is worried about her pic being posted on Facebook! I’d be grabbing a lawyer love, whoever you are!

Psst That is way too much information, even for Wiki!

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And that was just the needle!

Ouch, who’d want to be a man in Botswana. All hail Ministry of Health! They have just announced that they will be circumcising nearly half a million men in an effort to curb the spread of HIV over the next 5 years. Reason? Studies have revealed that circumcised men are 2 to 3 times less likely to contract HIV. The government is already running TV and radio campaigns to encourage men to visit clinics for  safe circumcision procedures (what are they likely to do it themselves?). Hmm that could be an awfully hard sell!

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It said dress all in white, didn't

When a play on words gets you into deep doodah.The Principal of Mount Aspiring College in Wanaka (don’t say it fast) New Zealand has defended his students who decided to have a “white supremacy”-themed after-ball party.Now settle down people, its not what you think, it was an innocent mistake. The “White Supreeemacy” party wasn’t intended as a racist themed celebration but as a white dress code party (and probably sounded like a clever idea at the time). Unfortunately, wood for the trees, nobody thought anything of it until parents caught sight of the tickets and began complaining. They are now demanding to know how the offensive theme got past the attention of teachers and made its way to the printers. Needless to say tickets have now been reprinted…exit old theme enter new theme… White Out (take that which ever way you like!).Now the college will have to spend a great deal of energy explaining their “honest mistake” to horrified people around the world.Good luck with that.

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Say it ain’t so, Tuan Tuan and Yuan Yuan are pandas, right? Oh dear, when two super sensitive countries, republics of, provinces oh whatever… when Taiwan and China become the butt of an Aprils Fools joke there were no side slapping chuckles. A Taiwanese newspaper decided it would be fun to have a lend of China by claiming that the two pandas gifted by China to Taiwan were fakes. See…not funny considering their history and suspicions.The article goes on to say they were actually “Wenzhou brown forest bears that had been dyed”…ouch! Oh there is more …a fictitious zookeeper was quoted as saying they realized they had been duped when the pandas “spend almost all of their waking hours having sex,”. Urgh, now all hell has broken loose with demands the newspaper prints a retraction and apologizes. There are fears this incident will jeopardize the panda conservation project, oh and relations between the two countries, republics of, provinces hmm, places. Probably right, considering the pandas were given as a peace offering to ease tensions between the two sides. Awkward!

Just a little reminder of how cute they are…hmm, you sure it ain’t someone in a panda suit?…just checking..

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Painesville, pretty in pink!

And here I was thinking it was a red sock in the laundry. People of Painesville, Ohio, it was a friggin chemical feeder malfunction, not your wives, who have turned your undies pink, I swear. Seems Painesville have a little problem with the water pouring from their faucets…it’s pink. That’s what happens when too much potassium permanganate gets released into your water supply. Hmm, don’t worry it isn’t a health risk but your whites may turn pink because it does stain (not harmful but stains?).Never you mind, your trusty Painesville water department are onto it and are this very minute frantically flushing hydrants and adding more crap into the water to clear the discoloration. Good luck with that.

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Police in Germany were stunned when they started linking DNA from 39 different murder scenes to one person, a female. Holy female serial killer Batman. The police came to the conclusion they were dealing with a bizarre female serial killer with no particular MO (modus operandi), signature, pattern.Her DNA was on bullets, bottles even a friggin biscuit. They set up a task force including hundreds of detectives to hunt the woman for over two years but couldn’t find any valuable leads. They even offered a reward in the hope of stopping the mysterious phantom serial killer’s reign of terror. Over 800 previously convicted women were questioned.Then, when they were at their wits end, a breakthrough. Detectives traced the DNA to a factory worker. Yeah a worker who packaged the friggin cotton buds used by the police to collect samples. Whoops, no serial killer just a careless employee. Put that one down to experience.

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