Well, ladies have I got the perfect gift for you, the “Angels Knee Pillow” or as the Japanese like to call it Tenshi no Hizamakura. Some narky little housewife must have come up with this one. It’s a toilet knee stool for men. Yep, it is designed for men to kneel whilst peeing, giving them less distance to miss the friggin bowl. No more cleaning that toilet seat ladies! Kneeling whilst pissing makes it that much harder for men to spray all over the place. So much more hygenic. Ooh and wait for it…it comes in two diffent styles the “eco” bench ($50) or the deluxe DX two piece ($60). Can’t wait to see hubby’s face when he unwraps one of those for Christmas.

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A man walks into a Deveroes store in Dayton and proceeds to steal clothes off the racks, stuffing them up his shirt and in his pants. Before making a getaway he notices a pile of job application forms on the front counter, so he decides to fill one out. Heck, why not he knows the stuff they have is worth stealing, right? Unfortunately for Stanley Wright, the friggin alarms went off when he tried leaving the store.The staff promptly rang police after Mr Wright fled and gave them  the application form which he had neatly filled out with his name and address. When they came a knocking Mr Wright was busily ironing one of the pairs of jeans he had stolen.

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It said dress all in white, didn't

When a play on words gets you into deep doodah.The Principal of Mount Aspiring College in Wanaka (don’t say it fast) New Zealand has defended his students who decided to have a “white supremacy”-themed after-ball party.Now settle down people, its not what you think, it was an innocent mistake. The “White Supreeemacy” party wasn’t intended as a racist themed celebration but as a white dress code party (and probably sounded like a clever idea at the time). Unfortunately, wood for the trees, nobody thought anything of it until parents caught sight of the tickets and began complaining. They are now demanding to know how the offensive theme got past the attention of teachers and made its way to the printers. Needless to say tickets have now been reprinted…exit old theme enter new theme… White Out (take that which ever way you like!).Now the college will have to spend a great deal of energy explaining their “honest mistake” to horrified people around the world.Good luck with that.

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That's gotta hurt!

I am sorry, but if you are lonely and want to satisfy yourself, please don’t use a pine cone, it is gonna hurt. A poor sex starved spinster from Belgrade has had to endure two hours of painful surgery to remove the offending article from her hmm ….you know what…after it became stuck. From all accounts Ms Gavaric is recovering well, though slightly embarrassed and still not satisfied. You wont be seeing that on an episode of Greys Anatomy anytime soon…but then again.

Afterthought: Mirjana Gavaric may want to consider becoming pen friends with the Maryland couple!

Thought to Ponder : If medical info is confidential and can only be released with the patients permission..what are they thinking???

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Not Miljici again..he just wont quit it with his mother-in-law ...

OK, here’s the thing, trying to kill your mother-in-law with an anti-tank missile launcher is wrong…funny…but wrong. Oh Miroslav Miljici, blaming your wife’s mom for your marriage break up doesn’t give you the right to bombard her home with missiles. Hmm and then trying to finish her off with a machine gun is a little bit obsessive, don’t you think? As is the way of the world  mother-in-law survived the whole friggin thing without barely a scratch. I am guessing the Bosnian judge must of taken pity because Miljici only got 6 years for attempted murder. During the trial Miljici’s defence was “he could no longer take his mother-in-law’s nagging.” Hmm, I guess a reconciliation is out of the question.

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Gone fishin !

How the hell do you accidentally blow up a diver? Well, by using dynamite to fish for starters ! Oh for goodness sakes, four Vietnamese fishermen who were fishing in Phu Cu suddenly saw bubbles under the water and thought it was a big friggin fish so they tossed a stick of dynamite at it (as you do!!). Whoops, when they went to retrieve the fish they found one dead diver. Dynamiting a diver kinda takes the fun out of the whole experience, don’t ya think? Crap, what type of dynamite were they using that the friggin Coast Guard heard the explosion? Despite attempts to flee the scene, the authorities promptly arrested the four stunned mullets. Hmm, dynamite fishing is illegal in Vietnam because it damages coral reefs (no shit and divers too!). Hmm, wouldn’t it be cheaper just using a net? AND pray tell what friggin state would the fish be in after being blasted to kingdom come? So many questions….

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God Bless Whirlpool!

So what was the one thing in the 20th century that did the most to liberate Western women? Hmm, well it was the washing machine of course silly (dah).Where have you been? Well OK, maybe not, but an article in the Vatican Newspaper sure does think so. Bless and here I was thinking, women’s right to vote, the pill, right to work, equal pay, I would even put Oprah before a friggin white good. I must admit when I first saw the headline “Washing Machines liberated women”, I immediately thought they meant women sitting on them to,well, you know, get their jollies (have you not watched that Will and Grace episode?). I didn’t think for one minute they were serious! But no, the washing machine. Oh and don’t be getting all hot and flushed thinking that it was a man who wrote the article, it was a woman!I wonder what Gloria Steinem has to say about this? Ooh and before dragging Gloria out of the laundrette, wanna know the title of the article ? “The Washing Machine and the Liberation of Women - Put in the Detergent, Close the Lid and Relax.” I kid you not!

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No complaints coming from the wildlife of Hackney!

Quick, get out of the pool, it’s raining , you might get wet. Hmm, there is an awful lot of head shaking going on at the outdoor baths at London Fields Lido. New health and safety rules require swimmers to get out of the water when it is raining . Yep, that’s right the Hackney Council is not allowing any swimmers in the outdoor pool to stay in the water when the heavens open. The reasoning? Rain makes the water cloudy and thus makes it difficult for lifeguards to see the bottom. All hail Hackney Council.Conservative MP Patrick Mercer said “There’s no common sense and this is just a continuation of the growing nanny state that prevents people from doing more and more things.”

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I could hear a siren alright!

Carrying on like an idiot in Australia will get you a $400 fine (that’ll be about $3 in US dollars, kidding!!!). Dwayne Ellwin Boyd,from Mandurah, Western Australia, pleaded guilty to disorderly behavior after howling like a dog in his front yard.Hmm, Wolverine envy? Dwayne was a tad drunk when police came a knocking at his Greenfields home in January after neighbors complained about his constant howling.But like a typical naughty canine once the attention had gone he began barking and howling again.Magistrate Terence McIntyre said Boyd was “carrying on like an idiot.”

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Oh look here, a good luck card!

Whoops, a Mexican man who arrived in Manchester told airport officials he was there for a short stay,hmm until they found a good luck card wishing him well in his “new life in the UK”. Silly billy. The illegal immigrant who flew into England from Los Angeles was planning to work in a Mexican restaurant illegally until such time as he could bring his family over from the States. Oh well, back to the drawing board in friggin Mexico.

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