That's gotta hurt!

I am sorry, but if you are lonely and want to satisfy yourself, please don’t use a pine cone, it is gonna hurt. A poor sex starved spinster from Belgrade has had to endure two hours of painful surgery to remove the offending article from her hmm ….you know what…after it became stuck. From all accounts Ms Gavaric is recovering well, though slightly embarrassed and still not satisfied. You wont be seeing that on an episode of Greys Anatomy anytime soon…but then again.

Afterthought: Mirjana Gavaric may want to consider becoming pen friends with the Maryland couple!

Thought to Ponder : If medical info is confidential and can only be released with the patients permission..what are they thinking???

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Oh look here, a good luck card!

Whoops, a Mexican man who arrived in Manchester told airport officials he was there for a short stay,hmm until they found a good luck card wishing him well in his “new life in the UK”. Silly billy. The illegal immigrant who flew into England from Los Angeles was planning to work in a Mexican restaurant illegally until such time as he could bring his family over from the States. Oh well, back to the drawing board in friggin Mexico.

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Hmm, something not to tell their grandchildren. Two hapless escapees in New Zealand forgot they were handcuffed together as they were making a run for it and ran on either side of a light pole, both coming to a crashing end.Oh and to make matter worse it was all captured on CCTV. The two men Regan Reti and Tiranara White were attending Hastings District Court on New Zealand’s North Island for sentencing on separate charges. After both received jail terms they decided to make a run for it.Sergeant Greig describes what happened next “They fell over and they were sprayed with pepper spray. But they got up and ran out of the court onto the street, across the road to a car park.That’s where they met the pole – it was all over, rover.” Security guards arrested the duo who were attempting to untangled themselves at the base of the pole. Both were promptly marched back to the courts where more time was added to their prison sentence (friggin loons!). Wanna see the footage?

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Good lord, speeding dude will always get you closer to God (one way or the other). A German driver is in a serious condition, but not life threatening, after his speeding left him trapped in the roof of a church. Oh yeah the 23 year old and his black Skoda were propelled 20ft into the air before coming to a grinding halt on the roof of the local Lutheran church in Limbach-Oberfrohna. A spokesman for Chemnitz police Frank Fischer said “We’ve never ever had a case of a car landing in a church before,” (well I should certainly hope not!). Ironically it seems the car is not a write off (a miracle). No word on who will foot the bill for the damage to the church.

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No officer, I have nothing to declare!

Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me? A 56 year old Czech Republic tourist arrived at Sydney airport with three banana plants strategically placed in her underpants (I hope they weren’t finger ones?). If she had only known they can carry black sigatoka disease, fusarium wilt, or moko disease she would have thought twice about putting them anywhere near her crutch. A customs officer suspected she was concealing something (no shit Sherlock she would have been walking around like a orangutan) and had a female officer frisk her. Too bad it wasn’t Melbourne airport they could have saved themselves all that trouble and whisked her in front of one of their new x-ray machines that show your privates! The plants were confiscated and I assumed fumigated. I couple of hours in any one’s undies ain’t worth thinking about.Oh and she’s been given a little old court attendance notice for her effort.Friggin awesome!

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OK, if you ever wondered who would come off better in an accident, a bike traveling 25mph or a 300lb bear..it’s the bear. Jim Litz a teacher from Target Range Middle School, Montana, found out the hard way, when cycling his way to work. He t-boned a big black bear. Over the handlebars he went, head first into the back of the big brute and continued cartwheeling down the road. Now bears, at the best of time, aren’t good at anger management, so add a flying cyclist into the equation and expect retaliation.The black bear cracked Mr Litz’s helmet, ran his claws down his back and took off before Litz could even scrapped himself off the gravel. The bear was last seen muttering something about how the British Royal family suck.

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Well stand up America you can now proudly claim you have more nuts than Iran (pistachio nuts that is).Iran has lost 60% of its pistachio production due to a damn cold winter. Iran is likely to produce only 100,000 tonnes this year compared to US with 185,000 tonnes.Pistachio nuts are Iran’s third largest foreign currency earner, just below dates and flowers (and so why are we scared of Iran again?).Well, I guess Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won’t be buying anymore gray suits for a while. And just you behave Iran or the US might put a total nut embargo on ya.

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"Of course I won't tell anyone!"

What’s up in Asia ? A Malaysian welder who was about to get engaged decided, before the big event, to lengthen the size of his penis (as you do!). He rummaged around in his tool bag, found a nut and then threaded it onto his penis in hope that it would help to stretch it. Hmm didn’t count on an erection now, did he? The fire department were first called out to deal with the problem but they soon hand passed it to the Staff at the Sultanah Aminah hospital. They then had the pleasure of draining the blood from the welder’s penis (in between a few chuckles I bet) and then cut away the top layer of skin to remove the nut (ouch!). Last month a man from Kuala Lumpur decided to do the very same thing and his doctor had to call the fire service to cut the steel ring off his privates too! I wouldn’t be a Firefighter in Malaysian for quids.

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Are we there yet ?

A little old lady at Stockholm’s Arlanda airport didn’t quite grasped the checking in instructions and instead of placing her luggage on the belt she lay on it instead (gosh, it’s so easy to do!). The next thing the 78 year old remembers is being helped off the belt by stunned luggage handlers after going down the chute. So much for airport security! It’s not known whether she was charged for excess luggage or if she missed her flight.
There are better ways of getting attention.

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Tropical Storm 1-Kite Surfer 0. I am not sure whether this kite surfer is a friggin loon or just friggin unlucky. Did no one warn him a tropical storm was imminent? I’m just hoping it won’t become the newest extreme sport craze, storm surfing. At any rate I hope the dude is alright, imagine the bragging rights!

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