That ain't helping!!

Geez, first you become the new queen of the track, next thing you know you are being accused of being a man! Could life get any better? Seems some of Caster Semenya’s rivals aren’t too happy she won the 800m nor the fact she looks suspiciously like a man. Bummer! The 18 year old will now be required to undergo a gender test to dispel rumors and accusations. The relative rise from obscurity to become the women’s 800m world champion has more than raised a few eyebrows, especially as she eclipsed defending champion Janeth Jepkosgei by over 2 and half seconds. Results will be in, in about two weeks, but for Semenya I am thinking it really is a lose/lose situation. If it is proven she is a man, she will face the humiliation that only scandal brings and if the results prove she really is a woman, well she will have to face a whole different kind of humiliation.

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Canyon West's 13th is a bitch to play now!

Canyon West Golf Club could be in deep shit and I ain’t meaning sand trap. Hmm, investigators are still on the 13th hole of Weatherford Golf Course trying to find answers to why there is a  buried bulldozer? It seems someone buried the earth moving machine underneath the fairway some 14 odd years ago. Accident? I don’t think so! After a tip off the Texas Department of Public Safety, the Tarrant Regional Auto Crimes Task Force and the National Insurance Crime Bureau invaded the course and took shovels to the 13th . There they found themselves a 9,000 pound Ford rubber tire loader buried 10 feet under. Ewh dear, golf club owners, Stan Mickle and his father, Wes Mickle, are the likely suspects. It is thought the equipment was stolen and then used to build the course before being disposed of after the job was completed! Oh no, even worse, investigators are now checking to see if the Mickles reported the bulldozer stolen to claim insurance (surely not!). It is estimated that the dozer would have cost between $40,000 to $50,000 at the time.Fore!!!!

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Look up in the sky, it’s a octopus? Licolnshire locals swear a glowing orb looking like an octopus came out of sky and wrecked a wind turbine over the weekend. The strange UFO was reported by several people who described it as being a orange-yellow sphere with tentacles (I hope it wasn’t another friggin helium balloon!). The next morning a 213ft fiberglass turbine was discovered in tatters. One of the £1 million turbine’s 65 ft blades was ripped clean off and another blade was left mangled.Rumors soon spread about the extra-terrestrial accident with many convinced they had been visited by aliens. Robert Palmer, chairman of East Lindsey District Council, was quick to add “I would be very interested to find out what it was. If we are being looked at by other people, by other planets, it would be interesting to find out why they have chosen this part of the country,”. Hmm, maybe Lincolnshire is in the alien best seller “1000 places to invade before you die” ? Skeptics have their own theories, like it was a construction fault. One expert suggested it may have been hit by frozen urine from a passing airplane.Oh well, just for the locals piece of mind the turbine debris has been sent to area 51 to be analysis, kidding people, it’s been sent to the manufacturers Enercon (results back next week). The truth is out there!

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Do you really want to hurt me George? Boy George you really have to get a new hobby, this chaining male escorts to bedroom walls ain’t working for ya. OK, Ok alleged! You know 20 years ago Audun Carlsen wouldn’t have been complaining about getting slapped around by a superstar, but now Boy George is merely a plump middle aged George O’Dowd “the DJ” , well, you know, he is an easy target (ala Gary Glitter).It is alleged that Mr Dowd went on a wild rampage in his home attacking the male escort because he believed he was hacking into his laptop (a computer, silly!). Another man, also present at the time, helped Mr Dowd chain up Mr Carlsen to a bed hook before he was whacked by the hysterical 80’s rock star. Mr Carlsen described the scene to jurors “George was slapping me and beating me and punching me and screaming things.”Hmm, and that just sounds like any old gay tiff, if you ask me. Somehow he managed to screw himself off the wall and flee, wearing only boxer shorts, trainers and a pair of handcuffs (so many lines so few time!). He ran into a news agency where the owner rang the police (to make a report) and the fire brigade (to cut the friggin handcuffs off!). Mr Carlsen also claims prior to the attack Mr Dowd had been sending him bizarre emails on the Gaydar site they both frequented. In one email Boy George ranted about how “a fixated lesbian” had cloned his computer and was operating it remotely from the United States.Hmm, please don’t tell me George is a lesbian? Oh it is all so confusing! Gosh, if he is found guilty I suggest he wears soap-on-a rope in jail, just to be on the safe side or then again, maybe not! The trial continues…

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Music composed by Sheikh Abdulla Bin Hamad Bin Isa Al-Khalifa

Hmm, would you listen to songs written by Sheikh Abdulla Bin Hamad Bin Isa Al-Khalifa even if Michael Jackson was singing them? Could you even fit the name on a a disc? Well, the King of Bahrain’s son thought so when he lent Jacko “get out of jail free” money. The deal was £4.7m in return for making an album of the Sheikh’s songs and some additional bits and pieces. I think at the time Jackson would have agreed to join Metallica if need be. Sheikh Abdulla is now suing Michael Jackson for his money back (whew, lucky the Sheikh doesn’t have kids). Jackson is claiming the money from Sheikh Abdulla was a gift (as you do). So lets just see what constitutes a gift, shall we? A recording studio built in Neverland, 6 months fully paid holiday in Bahrain (kids in tow), another recording studio in Bahrain for Jackson’s convenience and advanced funds to keep his entourage of legal and financial advisers. And what did the Sheikh get? Zilch, zip, nada. Wacko in his defense is claiming the Sheikh had “undue influence” over him when he was emotionally exhausted after his highly-publicized criminal trial (you don’t need criminal trial to have that!). Hmm, this is going to be a fun trial.I guess Jacko will have to dust off those PJ’s again if he has any chance of winning this!

UPDATE: Oh yeah, PJ’s are back on, as doctors declare Michael Jackson unfit to travel to the High Court in London to face the music (literally). Doctors for Jacko say “even in a best-case scenario it would be unwise to travel” lawyers for the Sheikh say he could be “bandaged up”. Hmm, sounds like the nose has fallen off again! Told you this was going to be good…stay tuned.

LATEST UPDATE : Oh damn, seems Mikaeel (his brand new Muslim name) and the Sheikh have made happy and resorted to an out of court settlement. We may still get to hear Sheikh Abdulla Bin Hamad Bin Isa Al-Khalifa music…but hang on, can Wacko sing now that he is Islamic? Gosh maybe it isn’t over. And to think I was so looking forward to hearing He Who Makes the Sky Grey …you know how I just love songs about natural disasters!

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Ah sorry been on holidays!

The “is he or isn’t he dead dictator” Kim Jong Il resurfaced on the weekend appearing bright and smiley at a soccer game. Many believe this is yet another fake photo because we all know if it really was him, he wouldn’t have been watching soccer, he would have been playing it. Dear Leader was supposedly watching a football game in a special viewing room as two army-affiliated teams fought it out down on the field.He seemed happy enough opting for a stylish brown jacket and black pants (rather than his khaki jumpsuit) and freshly blow-waved hair.As debate rages and experts looked extra closely at the new images to try and find any tell tale signs of paralysis from a recent stroke, one thing is clear, the PR department have at least got the season right this time. The last images released a few weeks ago, which were also said to be recent, had him placed beside beautiful green vegetation despite the country being in Autumn. Doh! Hate those observant western scum!

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Hmm, seems aliens prefer visiting Turkey than any other destination on earth. The world is a buzz about the latest UFO video footage taken over Istanbul earlier this year. If you know nothing about it (where have you friggin been) here is a little recap. Earlier this year a 42 year old night watchman, Yalcin Yalman, in Istanbul was gazing into the night skies when he suddenly saw strange objects moving about, so he ran for his video camera and began filming them . Two and half hours later he has what is claimed to be the “most important images of a UFO ever filmed” (either that or the most boring home video ever!). If you look carefully you can just make out what appears to be aliens (or not!) . The Sirius UFO Space Science Research Centre in Turkey claim the footage is genuine and has not been the result of any computer animation ( who the hell are the Sirius UFO Space Science Research Centre again?) . The footage will be revealed at the UFO Data Magazine annual conference in Pontefract, West Yorks, on October 25, along with image that the Nanny from Dudley took. Wanna see them UFO’s ? Don’t forget to watch for the aliens steering the metallic saucer.

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No officer, I have nothing to declare!

Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me? A 56 year old Czech Republic tourist arrived at Sydney airport with three banana plants strategically placed in her underpants (I hope they weren’t finger ones?). If she had only known they can carry black sigatoka disease, fusarium wilt, or moko disease she would have thought twice about putting them anywhere near her crutch. A customs officer suspected she was concealing something (no shit Sherlock she would have been walking around like a orangutan) and had a female officer frisk her. Too bad it wasn’t Melbourne airport they could have saved themselves all that trouble and whisked her in front of one of their new x-ray machines that show your privates! The plants were confiscated and I assumed fumigated. I couple of hours in any one’s undies ain’t worth thinking about.Oh and she’s been given a little old court attendance notice for her effort.Friggin awesome!

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Al fayed must be one of the unluckiest bastards in England or he is just a bastard. The Harrods’ and Fulham soccer club owner Mohamed Al Fayed has found himself embroiled in yet another media attention grabbing headline. He has now been accused of sexually assaulting a 15 year old girl in his friggin Apartment store. Surely he couldn’t be that stupid, the guys worth £555 million, he could just pay for it? And it isn’t like he couldn’t be identified, his face is friggin everywhere. Mr Al Fayed went to the police station of his own accord to deny the rumors which swept through Britain faster than Princess Anne’s corgi hating bull terriers. Despite the fact that it was suppose to be kept quiet. OK, this is what I have found out so far, allegedly Al Fayed met the teenager while she was shopping with her mother at Harrods, one of London’s top tourist attractions. He later invited the girl back to the store, where he gave her a big wet sloppy one (kiss). Which, lets face it, if it happened to me I’d be years in therapy.
It’s hard not to think that they are just messing with him again. It’s not like the hide the fact they hate his guts, otherwise they’d give him British citizenship and a friggin passport. You know I bet the Royals are still really pissed at his persistent accusations that Prince Phillip ordered British spies to execute Princess Diana and his son Dodi and the fact they can’t shop at Harrods anymore (what a bitch!). I don’t expect the Windsors will be getting a Harrods Christmas pudding this year either.

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Dah, I know it's a street light just click it!

Wouldn’t you know it, the moment they releases secret files on UFO’s,bang, everyone’s got a flying saucer story. The latest is in Dudley, West Midlands, England (where ever the hell that is!) and they have photo’s to prove it. OK, it happened in April , but no one really friggin cared then but now, because in a few days the findings are going to be released, everyone has an opinion. It’s a UFO feast. Anyway it all started when a 57 year old nanny decided to visit a castle (as you do in England). Somewhere during her roaming and/or boredom, she look up into the sky and saw a strange disc like object hovering in front of some menacing clouds and snapped a photo. You go girl, because you’re a nanny and we all know nannies don’t tell lies or they have to sit on the naughty stair for a very long time! She handed the photograph to police who then handed it over to US navy physicist experts to authenticate the photo. Holy skeptics , Batman , the British Transport Police officer is going to announce the findings at the UFO Data Magazine annual conference in Pontefract, West Yorks,(where the hell’s that?) on October 25. But don’t be too upset if the findings come back, as many Brits suspect, that it isn’t a UFO at all, but just Madonna and her friggin clay pigeon shooting classes!

If wanna see the photo you’ll have to click here UFO in Dudley because of copyright crap. Or alternatively you can click the image of the unidentified friggin street light.
And no it isn’t Madonna clay pigeon shooting either!

Wanna see footage of another UFO in Dudley (might even be the same one)? Be warned colorful language alert.

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