And that was just the needle!

Ouch, who’d want to be a man in Botswana. All hail Ministry of Health! They have just announced that they will be circumcising nearly half a million men in an effort to curb the spread of HIV over the next 5 years. Reason? Studies have revealed that circumcised men are 2 to 3 times less likely to contract HIV. The government is already running TV and radio campaigns to encourage men to visit clinics for  safe circumcision procedures (what are they likely to do it themselves?). Hmm that could be an awfully hard sell!

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Show us your underarms!

When underarms go wild! The anti porn protesters in Indonesia (i.e. Islamic parties) have sited the traditional Jaipong folk dance as too erotic. Problem it seems is the audience get to see the dancers underarms. Jaipong dancers are on notice after West Java Governor Ahmad Heryawan warned they maybe breaking the new anti porn laws. Oh and we aren’t talking bare underarms either, nope the dancers are all covered up in long-sleeved traditional kebayas when performing the dance. Lucky River Dance never caught on there! Roll on elections!

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Dear god, Chinese immigrant Vince Li got away with murder. A Canadian judge has deemed Mr Li mentally ill, thus not criminally responsible for decapitating a sleeping passenger on a Greyhound bus and then trying to eat him (good to know!). Mr Li made world headlines after shocked greyhound passengers fled in horror, as for no apparent reason, he attacked fellow passenger Tim McLean with a knife.It was later revealed that Mr McLean’s ear, nose and tongue were found in Li’s pocket.Justice John Scurfield in delivering his verdict said “He did not appreciate the actions he committed were morally wrong,”. He will now be will be institutionalized without a criminal record and reassessed every year by a mental health review board to determine if he is well enough to return back into the community (oh great!). Hello, what about Tim McLean? His distressed mother said “A crime was still committed here, a murder still occurred.There was nobody else on that bus holding a knife, slicing up my child.” There will never be closure for that family.

Hmm, so does this mean all mentally ill people are free to commit heinous crimes under the umbrella of not responsible for their actions? Don’t get me wrong, mental illness is a complex and extraordinary difficult issue and I have great empathy for people who struggle with it everyday . But if you remove accountability from society where does it leave us? Surely Mr Li could have been given some charge. Nobody would question the fact Mr Li was mentally ill when he beheaded Mr McLean, nobody would question the right for Mr Li to receive the proper care and treatment , nobody would question the right for Mr Li to serve time in an institution rather than a prison. But to have NO criminal record!!!!!!!

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OK, here is my Oscar 2009 ramblings.I must say I wasn’t feeling at all comfortable about Hugh Jackman, sure hosting the Tony Awards fine, but Academy Awards hmm! I love and miss the Crystalesque magic moments (Billy come back). However, I sat there eating humble pie as he raced around the stage pulling off a one man extravaganza with a surprise Anne Hathaway duet that actually worked. Penelope Cruz bravo (you never needed the other cruise control…freak). The “drag out” past Oscar winners presentation sort of worked until it got to the Leading Lady Oscars, then we had the Loren /Streep “diva eyebrow lifting showdown” and the Kidman/Jolie “you stole my friggin crown bitch showdown”. Color me cringe (fake smile fest). Luckily for Kidman she doesn’t have a Best Supporting Oscar or it could so easily have been a friggin Kidman/Cruz showdown (dear god!). Winslet managed to thank her husband Dicaprio Mendes. Boy can her dad whistle!
What was with the friggin Wall E movie? It was up against two songs from Slumdogs. Oh and then there was Slumdogs. Hmm, unlucky year for anyone nominated in the best supporting male category.Pass the Kleenex. Now was she or wasn’t she lip syncing? The cameras were too quick to spot any incorrect Beyonce mouth movements (but do we care?).Hmm, not sure how the High School Musical pubescents managed to worm themselves onstage (not like they are going to be nominated anytime soon!). Oooh, uncomfortable much? Aniston and Jolie came face to face. Hmm, well at least Jen had a height advantage being on stage staring down at her as she held hands with her husband ex. Hmm, I know which cat got the cream!

Bless, and Jerry Lewis. Hollywood or Bust.That was a little late coming don’t you think? The man’s a legend. Sean Penn, love him or hate him, he is one passionate dude oh except when thanking his wife ex wife date (what happened there?). Mickey Rourke wasn’t quite sure what happened full stop and probably never will. Oh and it is official Ben Stiller is giving up acting in pursuit of a rap career (good luck with that!).

OSCAR MAGIC MOMENT
Ahahha, quote of the night goes to Miley Cyrus “Hopefully I’ll be here next year and get something for it. I would love to, it’s really cool”. Hmm, sweet niblets, Miley was talking about her latest movie effort. Dear god Miley it’s a friggin Hannah Montana movie!!!!Let me give you a synopsis “Back to Tennessee is ‘the cornerstone’ of the Hannah Montana movie, which is about Miley/Hannah’s return to her roots”. Surely she jests.
If you think I am making it up just listen ….I swear!!!!!!

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I saw nothing like this on my jam jars growing up!

Whoops, Carol Thatcher has just been axed from BBC’s The One Show after referring to a tennis player as a golliwog in a private conversation. Maggie’s little offspring was in the green room having a little chin wag with another presenter, Adrian Chiles, when she happened to mention that one of the male tennis players in the Australian Open reminded her of a golliwog on a jam jar she remembered when she was growing up. Oh dear, hear a pin drop? Seems not only Mr Chiles was angered but the production team who were also having a quiet drink in the room were too. Next thing you know she’s got the boot and everyone in the friggin world knows about it. Do I smell some professional jeolousy? A spokesman for Thatcher said “It is disgusting that we’ve had a leak of private conversations in the green room – the BBC has more leaks than Thames Water. Carol is mortified that anyone should take offence at a silly joke.” Mrs Thatcher says the conversation was referring to his hair-do and was not intended as being racist (hmm, I’d quit while your ahead!). So the big question is, who the hell was she referring to? Ok, you didn’t hear it was Gaël Monfils from me! Whew, this gets Miley off the hook !

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OK Looners, help me out here, when is a coach not a coach? I have struggled with this story about the coach who was sacked for letting his team thrash another team 100-0.When I grew up a coach was there to help a team win (why have one otherwise?). Here is a quick run down, last week coach Micah Grimes’s Conventant school basketball team thrashed Dallas Academy by 100 points. The other team actually failed to even get a score on the board. Coach Grimes response to cries of bad sportsmanship was “We played the game as it was meant to be played. My values and my beliefs would not allow me to run up the score on any opponent, and it will not allow me to apologize for a wide-margin victory when my girls played with honor and integrity,” (and then was promptly sacked). You know we love the underdog stories of rising from insurmountable odds but we don’t like it one little bit when the underdog gets thrashed. I hate to be a fence sitter but on one hand we have “it is just a sport” and on the other, what important lessons can be learnt from both sides in the bigger picture of life. When you water down the need for success you breed complacency and disillusionment. Those girls shouldn’t feel ashamed of winning if they had practised hard and were talented. Imagine the smiles on the faces next time the teams play and Dallas Academy just gets one goal, what a sense of achievement, regardless of the end result. Swings and roundabouts people, swings and roundabouts. What’s the bet this will become a friggin film? Of course I’ve got a friggin video for you, wanna see it?

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OK, OK, everyone is friggin writing about it, so here goes. Yay, I am glad it is all over, now fix the friggin mess! Nice party, how much did it cost?

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Look up in the sky, it’s a octopus? Licolnshire locals swear a glowing orb looking like an octopus came out of sky and wrecked a wind turbine over the weekend. The strange UFO was reported by several people who described it as being a orange-yellow sphere with tentacles (I hope it wasn’t another friggin helium balloon!). The next morning a 213ft fiberglass turbine was discovered in tatters. One of the £1 million turbine’s 65 ft blades was ripped clean off and another blade was left mangled.Rumors soon spread about the extra-terrestrial accident with many convinced they had been visited by aliens. Robert Palmer, chairman of East Lindsey District Council, was quick to add “I would be very interested to find out what it was. If we are being looked at by other people, by other planets, it would be interesting to find out why they have chosen this part of the country,”. Hmm, maybe Lincolnshire is in the alien best seller “1000 places to invade before you die” ? Skeptics have their own theories, like it was a construction fault. One expert suggested it may have been hit by frozen urine from a passing airplane.Oh well, just for the locals piece of mind the turbine debris has been sent to area 51 to be analysis, kidding people, it’s been sent to the manufacturers Enercon (results back next week). The truth is out there!

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Consider yourself slipper slapped President Bush. An Iraqi TV Journo, Muntadar al-Zeidi, hurled his size 10 shoes at President Bush as he was giving a news conference with Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki (who knew journalists could multi task?). A quick thinking George W managed to dodge the flying leathers as security guards pounced on the correspondent for Al-Baghdadiya. As Muntadar threw the first shoe he shouted “This shoe is for goodbye!” followed by “You dog. You killed Iraqis,”. Oh and if you thought the Al-Baghdadiya television station would have been highly embarrassed over the incident, think again. In a statement they said that Muntadar chucked the shoes “in accordance with the new era of freedom of speech and democracy that the U.S has promised the Iraqi people.” Stuff democracy, he’ll be off to Guantanamo, don’t you worry about that! I hope he likes orange jumpsuits. Gosh, 36 days Mr President and counting! Wanna see the video? Of course you do.Check out how slow President Bush’s secret service men are responding, guess its no biggie now!

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This can't be good!

Actor Daniel Hoevels is one lucky actor after a prop knife was switched with a real one. During a scene from the Friedrich Schiller’s play Mary Stuart in Vienna, Mr Hoevels slashed his throat with a real knife instead of the blunt prop knife, sending blood spraying everywhere. The audience applauded thinking it was clever special effects. It was only as the actors were ready to take a bow did they realize poor Mr Hoevels wasn’t moving. But all’s well that ends well, he was rushed to the hospital, patched up and like a good trouper was ready to perform for the following day. Ugh, police are investigating whether the knife swap was done intentionally (I hope the under study has an alibi). A police inspector said that the knife still had the price tag on it. The plot sickens.

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