That ain't helping!!

Geez, first you become the new queen of the track, next thing you know you are being accused of being a man! Could life get any better? Seems some of Caster Semenya’s rivals aren’t too happy she won the 800m nor the fact she looks suspiciously like a man. Bummer! The 18 year old will now be required to undergo a gender test to dispel rumors and accusations. The relative rise from obscurity to become the women’s 800m world champion has more than raised a few eyebrows, especially as she eclipsed defending champion Janeth Jepkosgei by over 2 and half seconds. Results will be in, in about two weeks, but for Semenya I am thinking it really is a lose/lose situation. If it is proven she is a man, she will face the humiliation that only scandal brings and if the results prove she really is a woman, well she will have to face a whole different kind of humiliation.

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Oh dear god, not since Daly was arrested at Hooters has golf been in such disarray. As denials and allegations of foul play on the 18th (Buick Open) spread around the golfing world, CBS are in damage control. Oh yeah, they are denying it was Tiger who let rip on the 18th with a big old finger being pointed at the friggin mike man.Oh adda boys, blame the sound guy! But if you look closely at the footage Tiger actually lifts his leg at the time of impact. Now people, once you get your fart on TMZ it’s time to grab your lawyer because “FartGate” is now taking on a life of it’s own. Tiger has single handedly brought golf tumbling off it’s pedestal and down to the level of common man. Check out the video, guilty or innocent?

Psst So if a tiger farts in the woods and no one can hear, does it still smell?

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OK, my original story was going to be about the Muff Road sign in New Zealand and how the residents are really pissed that people keep stealing it as a souvenir. So as I normally do, I did some research on the word muff, which is sometimes used to describe a woman’s vagina. It was here my story took a sudden and shocking deviation. Dear god, has anyone been on the Vulva Wiki page? Big friggin warning before you click people….no seriously…I wouldn’t look if you have a heart condition or embarrass easily. OK, on the count…one…two…three. …http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muff_(genitals) .

Oh and isn’t the message priceless…

Honey, can you stand still so I can get a nice sharp reliable reference! And what’s with the “needs additional verification? Nope I think it’s a vulva. Geez and to think the topless nun is worried about her pic being posted on Facebook! I’d be grabbing a lawyer love, whoever you are!

Psst That is way too much information, even for Wiki!

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Only in Japan does it take nearly 30 years to realize that two traffic signals at a T junction have simultaneously been turning green for about seven seconds at a time . Yes, that’s right people 30 years. Hmm, seems a programming error was to blame for this “accident waiting to happen” but nobody seemed to have noticed (gosh, they are so polite).Hmm, that was until recently when that  accident did happen and the drivers both claimed to have had green lights. When authorities investigated the accident it was found that they were right, no one had checked the programming since they were installed in 1980.  Get this, the police have admitted the error was entirely due to their negligence. Not only that ,they have apologized to the drivers, compensated them for the FULL cost of damage to both cars and have removed one of the signals. That is more news worthy than the friggin green lights debacle!

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Come on guys, its foolproof!

Come on people, it could have worked! A British gang of wannabe pirates have been caught after making their getaway on a punt (which has a top speed of 3mph). The clueless bunch had decided to  paddle to the Haven boatyard in Cambridgeshire under the cover of darkness and rob the place. Having successfully loaded the flat bottomed boat  with two flatscreen televisions, a DVD player, two electricity generators and copious amounts of alcohol, all they had to do was get the hell out of there. Hmm, I guess they didn’t expect police with night-vision goggles to spot them slowly floating down the River Ouse. No chance of a speedy getaway that way boys and girl! Shall I name and shame them? What the hell, why not. Take a bow (no pun intended) James Parkinson, Khushmet Bardell , Rachel Helleur and the 17 year old dude who was too young to be named!

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Hmm, thats easy to remember, cool!

Here’s the thing people, when your contract for a Brazilian Labor Ministry website isn’t renewed, don’t be messing with the passwords. Hmm, Labor Minister Carlos Lupi has been left redfaced after it was discovered that unemployed people who logged onto the government website were given passwords such as “shameless” and “bum”! The website was built and managed by a private company for the purpose of assisting  jobless people in finding info about their benefits. I’m guessing when the company’s contract wasn’t renewed they got nasty or funny (depending on how you see it!).

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That's gotta hurt!

I am sorry, but if you are lonely and want to satisfy yourself, please don’t use a pine cone, it is gonna hurt. A poor sex starved spinster from Belgrade has had to endure two hours of painful surgery to remove the offending article from her hmm ….you know what…after it became stuck. From all accounts Ms Gavaric is recovering well, though slightly embarrassed and still not satisfied. You wont be seeing that on an episode of Greys Anatomy anytime soon…but then again.

Afterthought: Mirjana Gavaric may want to consider becoming pen friends with the Maryland couple!

Thought to Ponder : If medical info is confidential and can only be released with the patients permission..what are they thinking???

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When you are Somali pirates it isn’t smart to try and attack a NATO ship. The pirates apparently mistook the FGS Spessart for a commercial merchant ship and tried to attack the naval vessel.Whoops wrong boat…run for it boys. Poor fools were then pursued by three ships, a frigate, a helicopter and a plane. Geez those seven pirates must have been cursing the day. Hmm, talk about taking this piracy seriously, isn’t that like one warcraft for each pirate? It was reported when they finally boarded the pirate ship they seized “several” weapons. Hmm is that like two or three? Bless, a NATO spokesman said: “Poor judgment by the pirates turned out to be a real opportunity for seven nations representing three task forces to work together and strike a momentous blow for maritime safety and security.” I think I would have dropped “momentous”.

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Police in Germany were stunned when they started linking DNA from 39 different murder scenes to one person, a female. Holy female serial killer Batman. The police came to the conclusion they were dealing with a bizarre female serial killer with no particular MO (modus operandi), signature, pattern.Her DNA was on bullets, bottles even a friggin biscuit. They set up a task force including hundreds of detectives to hunt the woman for over two years but couldn’t find any valuable leads. They even offered a reward in the hope of stopping the mysterious phantom serial killer’s reign of terror. Over 800 previously convicted women were questioned.Then, when they were at their wits end, a breakthrough. Detectives traced the DNA to a factory worker. Yeah a worker who packaged the friggin cotton buds used by the police to collect samples. Whoops, no serial killer just a careless employee. Put that one down to experience.

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Come on smile?

Bad day at the office Dave? Hmm, David Maksimik was pretty much a crook, not a good one, but a crook. In January Dave decided to rob a bank. He jumped in his car and headed to People’s United Bank in Darien. For added affect he strapped a fake hand grenade and a gun around his waist. It seemed to have worked, the teller handed him over $3745 (not bad for the effort) and he promptly jumped into his getaway car. With all the excitement and adrenaline pumping through his veins, clumsy Dave crashed his car near the scene of the crime. Not phased, he tried catching a bus, then hailing a taxi, but do you know how it is in Darien to find friggin public transport? As a last resort Dave rings his sister for a lift. When he gets home he finds his room mate dead, hmm, apparent suicide. Dave rings the emergency services but in his distress leaves his bag of money on the bed. It didn’t take long for the police to sneak a peek in the suspicious looking bag. Dave’s now in North Ave jail awaiting a hearing.

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