That ain't helping!!

Geez, first you become the new queen of the track, next thing you know you are being accused of being a man! Could life get any better? Seems some of Caster Semenya’s rivals aren’t too happy she won the 800m nor the fact she looks suspiciously like a man. Bummer! The 18 year old will now be required to undergo a gender test to dispel rumors and accusations. The relative rise from obscurity to become the women’s 800m world champion has more than raised a few eyebrows, especially as she eclipsed defending champion Janeth Jepkosgei by over 2 and half seconds. Results will be in, in about two weeks, but for Semenya I am thinking it really is a lose/lose situation. If it is proven she is a man, she will face the humiliation that only scandal brings and if the results prove she really is a woman, well she will have to face a whole different kind of humiliation.

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Google Earth is becoming a friggin CCTV for alien enthusiasts. The latest image to get the “we are not alone” believers excited appeared in the town of Berkeley Heights in New Jersey (the alien was obviously lost!). ET was spotted loitering behind a bush next to a beam of light. Hmm,I hoping he wasn’t going for a leak? How embarrassing! The “alien” image was photographed on Diamond Hill Road about thirty miles from the Big Apple.Enter every friggin Strange Phenomena Expert with an opinion. What I want to know is who the hell was searching the bushes of a semi rural road in Berkeley Heights,anyways hmm? Well, one thing is for certain, it ain’t no water pumping facility.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you wanna see it right? Well, its your lucky day here are two friggin photos of ET in New Jersey. Can someone please give him a phone!

Cant I take a piss in private?

Clutching at straws people!

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Holy mammal bone Batman, what’s that in my blue M&Ms? Paulette Potts (who by co-incidence works for an advertising and public relations firm) discovered what appears to be a friggin mammal bone in one of her blue M&M’s ( I hear they are full of calcium!). No one is sure what mammal the bone belongs to but it has been confirmed as a bone. Ms Potts rang the company service department and was told by a representative that a  “supervisor told me to tell you that was probably a peanut twig.” Yeah that was in the stomach of a friggin bird! Stay tuned sweet tooths!

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What the? Seems we have a bigger problem than Nessie after a friggin big serpent was spotted frolicking in the river Baleh in Borneo.Photographs, believed to clearly show a big snake like creature over 100ft in length, were snapped by a member of a disaster team who flew over a remote flood region. Known as Nabau by the locals (and big scary friggin critter by me) the ancient sea snake is said to had a dragon’s head, seven nostrils and the ability to transforms itself into the shapes of different animals. Great, as if I don’t have enough things to worry about! As you can imagine debate is now raging over whether these images are fake.Come on people we don’t believe it’s real, do we? Now if it was on video, maybe!  Hmm, it isn’t like Asia is renowned for faking things! Anywho I am keeping my tootsies out of waterways until further notice.

Oh come on I know you are desperate to see our little Jurassic Park wannabe….

Hmm?

Wait there’s more….

Here's hoping he aint hungry!

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Staff at Derby’s new Royal Hospital in England have called in an exorcist after being terrorized by a friggin ghost.The black clad, cloak wearing spook has been haunting the corridors of the newly built hospital for months. One nurse said “Several have seen a male figure cloaked from head to toe in black darting between rooms and through walls – especially in departments near the morgue.” Mr Jerry Phillips claims he saw the ghost in 1978  in the old hospital and it scared the bejesus out of him,“He was cloaked in black from head to foot clasping a candle — it was bone-chilling.”  Members of  the night shift staff now work in pairs after one nurse took “spook leave” after being scared near out of her witts. Hmm, well that’s what you get when you build over historical sites. It seems developers ignored protesters pleas to avoid building over one of Britain’s Ancient Roman roads (whoops). Spook experts believe the unwelcome guest is more than likely a Roman soldier killed on the site. Hmm, so I am assuming the priest will be performing the exorcism in Latin then? “Requiescat in pace” dude.
Wanna see the video? Click if you dare?

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What the hell, another friggin mythical creature washed up on a beach. OK, I had no idea about the Exmoor Beast nor how it went under the Loon’s radar, it has a wiki dedicated page for goodness sakes.But don’t you worry, I am now well up on the friggin phantom cat or as experts like to call it cryptozoological cat. Call it fiction, call it folklore, call it myth but if the Royal Marines couldn’t kill it, call it friggin elusive. Britain’s Beast of Exmoor first came to light in the 1970’s when sightings of an animal described as either a cougar or a Black Leopard were reported prowling the moors by locals.The feline was thought to be between 4 feet (1.2 m) and 8 feet (2.4 m) from nose to tail and had the amazing ability to leap over 6ft fences. In 1983 a farmer, Eric Ley, claimed he had lost over 100 sheep in a three month period. All the sheep had been killed in a violent attack to their throats.Enter a group of sharp shooters from the Royal Marines (hmm, requested by the Ministry of Agriculture). Friggin unbelievable. Even more so was the fact that several of the snipers claimed they saw the Exmoor Beast but were unable to get a clear shot as it “always moved with surrounding cover amongst hedges and woods”. In 1987 over 200 animals deaths were attributed to the Exmoor Beast. So what is the point of this rant you may ask? Hmm, well some remains of a creature have washed up on on Croyde beach and it has locals crying Exmoor Beast! Argh, evidently the carcass has razor fangs and is the size of a calf. OK, I know you want see it, click and check it out at The Sun.

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Look up in the sky, it’s a octopus? Licolnshire locals swear a glowing orb looking like an octopus came out of sky and wrecked a wind turbine over the weekend. The strange UFO was reported by several people who described it as being a orange-yellow sphere with tentacles (I hope it wasn’t another friggin helium balloon!). The next morning a 213ft fiberglass turbine was discovered in tatters. One of the £1 million turbine’s 65 ft blades was ripped clean off and another blade was left mangled.Rumors soon spread about the extra-terrestrial accident with many convinced they had been visited by aliens. Robert Palmer, chairman of East Lindsey District Council, was quick to add “I would be very interested to find out what it was. If we are being looked at by other people, by other planets, it would be interesting to find out why they have chosen this part of the country,”. Hmm, maybe Lincolnshire is in the alien best seller “1000 places to invade before you die” ? Skeptics have their own theories, like it was a construction fault. One expert suggested it may have been hit by frozen urine from a passing airplane.Oh well, just for the locals piece of mind the turbine debris has been sent to area 51 to be analysis, kidding people, it’s been sent to the manufacturers Enercon (results back next week). The truth is out there!

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Just doing my bit for birth control!

The Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano have just printed an article claiming the contraceptive pill is polluting the environment and is in part responsible for male infertility (hey isn’t that the point?). Hmm,  if you believe Pedro Jose Maria Simon Castellvi, president of the International Federation  of Catholic Medical Associations, he says woman are urinating tonnes of hormones into nature thanks to the pill and that’s not good. He also goes on to say they have sufficient evidence to link the pill to male infertility in the West thanks to the those weeing, pill taking, women (and that’s a good thing right?). Ah, but wouldn’t you know it, the article has now been criticized by several organizations.Seems there is more hormonal pollutants in plastics and meat we eat than what women are peeing into society. Nice Try!

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Allan “Chirpy” Campbell wants the Australia’s central bank pay him $30 million for the “unauthorised” use of his great uncle’s image. Hmm, seems the woman that gave permission for the image to be used on the Australian $50 note wasn’t indigenous author and inventor David Unaipon’s daughter after all. Mr Campbell will travel to Sydney to make his case for compo to the Reserve Bank. David Unaipons image has been on the Aussie note since 1995 with no complaints but it seems now after 13 years its a big deal.Well here is hoping Mr Campbell gets a better deal than the last Aboriginal who took on the courts, artist David Malangi was compensated $1,000, a fishing rod and a silver medal after they used his painting of Arnhem Land on the $1 note without his permission.

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All that was ever found of Betty!

Is this what the world has come too? Police in Britain will be carrying bags of uni-sex thongs / flip flops to hand out to drunk woman in stilettos. The footwear is part of a $70,000 publicly funded project to prevent “alcohol-related harm” coming to people wearing inappropriate shoes.In particular the blue thongs will come in handy for women attending hens nights who after a hard night of drinking are at risk of hurting themselves by either tripping up in high heels or cutting themselves when walking barefooted. Evidently the blue flip flop idea was prompted by fears that women could twist or sprain their ankles on the way home after a night out. Hmm, shouldn’t they be more concerned about them being stabbed, raped or murdered now they have a blue shoe indicator telling would be predators “drunk woman”. Because lets face it you would have to be totally pissed for any women to wear blue flip flops with anti drinking messages printed all over them.The scheme will begin in Torquay Devon. AND no I am not friggin making this up! It is true.
Hmm, maybe they should think about placing taxpayer funded stickers on their forehead too saying” I am one drunk stupid idiot”.For goodness sakes, Matthew Elliott, chief executive of the TaxPayers’ Alliance, said “People don’t pay their taxes for drunk women to get free flip-flops.”

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