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By Friggin Loon on April 4, 2009 | No Friggin Comments
WTF... cheese to the left, bitch!
Lyndel Toppin wasn’t happy with his cheese placement in his meatball sandwich so he did what any picky eater would do,chopped off (well, nearly) the finger of the sandwich maker…his fiance. Hmm, yep all went downhill after Toppin (appropriate name!) wasn’t at all happy where his missus had placed the cheese on his hoagie roll, so he up and grabbed a knife and attacked her. Not just happy with severing a finger, he then bit down on the woman’s wrist refusing to let go (man he was mad!).23 stitches and a damaged ligament later, Toppin was arrested and charged with aggravated and simple assault, reckless endangerment, possessing an instrument of crime , harassment… all on a sesame seed roll.Superintendent John Reilly Jr at the George W. Hill Correctional Facility said “Wait until he gets a load of the prison food,”.
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By Friggin Loon on April 4, 2009 | No Friggin Comments
Fire, Fired, Fire, Fired
OK, what appears to be a bogus story has been doing the rounds, so I thought I would share. A fire alarm rings for what is believed to be an evacuation drill. All the staff from an unnamed Singapore company gather outside waiting for the building to be emptied,the drill to be completed and the sirens to stop. 5 minutes go by…10 minutes…20 minutes..nothing. Then finally a security officer appears and reads out the following….
“Dear employees - with sincere regret I have been asked to announce that for many of you it will be your last evacuation drill. Due to the recession the company is laying off almost 50% of its employees. So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building and if your swipe card does not work then it means you have been laid off in which case you will not be allowed inside and all your belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow.
The Company has used this innovative approach as we didn’t want to fill up the email box with lay-off mails and good bye mails in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside the office and the consequent security issue for all staff.
Hope you have had a rewarding career with us and all the best ahead.
Please move back in and try your luck”.I hope this doesn’t give GM any ideas!
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By Friggin Loon on April 4, 2009 | 1 Friggin Comment
Say it ain’t so, Tuan Tuan and Yuan Yuan are pandas, right? Oh dear, when two super sensitive countries, republics of, provinces oh whatever… when Taiwan and China become the butt of an Aprils Fools joke there were no side slapping chuckles. A Taiwanese newspaper decided it would be fun to have a lend of China by claiming that the two pandas gifted by China to Taiwan were fakes. See…not funny considering their history and suspicions.The article goes on to say they were actually “Wenzhou brown forest bears that had been dyed”…ouch! Oh there is more …a fictitious zookeeper was quoted as saying they realized they had been duped when the pandas “spend almost all of their waking hours having sex,”. Urgh, now all hell has broken loose with demands the newspaper prints a retraction and apologizes. There are fears this incident will jeopardize the panda conservation project, oh and relations between the two countries, republics of, provinces hmm, places. Probably right, considering the pandas were given as a peace offering to ease tensions between the two sides. Awkward!
Just a little reminder of how cute they are…hmm, you sure it ain’t someone in a panda suit?…just checking..
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By Friggin Loon on March 31, 2009 | No Friggin Comments
Its a friggin thankless job Bob but the hours are good!
When you see two pigeons carrying little bags near a prison it can’t be good. Nope, it seems Brazilian prisoners have been using carrier pigeons to smuggle contraband in and out of Danilo Pinheiro Penitentiary for some time. How does that work? It isn’t like a homing pigeon would know which cell to knock on! Fortunately I wont have to rack my brains figuring it out. Hmm, because the little scam was uncovered when penitentiary agents noticed the two pigeons panting outside the prison. Carrying cell phones and chargers is kinda hard work. Ah well, back to the drawing board boys.
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By Friggin Loon on March 31, 2009 | No Friggin Comments
And now OUR friggin heads are hot!
Holy disposable chopsticks Batman, Tokyo sidewalks are going wooden. The 80ft experimental wooden sidewalk has been installed in Nihombashi district to see if it helps to keep pedestrians feet cooler during summer (dear god fingers crossed). The new sidewalk is made up of chipped thin cedar, a mixture of woodchips and cement and blocks made from thinned wood. Hmm, if successful I wonder what Lebanese forest will be destroyed to pave the whole of Tokyo? The Nihombashi Miyuki Street Road Experiment Association is hoping the new wooden footpaths will release heat faster than asphalt or concrete because we know how important it is to keep our feet cool during this time of global warming! Ooh and the sidewalks are said to be more aesthetically pleasing (what, nicer than concrete?) and whats more they let off a pleasant scent of cedar which is soothing to the pedestrian (and a distraction from car fumes). Ooh and if they give Britain a ring they may find out where to order the eco friendly chewing gum so it doesn’t stick to the wooden blocks.
Geez I hope they are fire retardant. Could be a real bummer, no more happy feet!
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By Friggin Loon on March 31, 2009 | No Friggin Comments
Painesville, pretty in pink!
And here I was thinking it was a red sock in the laundry. People of Painesville, Ohio, it was a friggin chemical feeder malfunction, not your wives, who have turned your undies pink, I swear. Seems Painesville have a little problem with the water pouring from their faucets…it’s pink. That’s what happens when too much potassium permanganate gets released into your water supply. Hmm, don’t worry it isn’t a health risk but your whites may turn pink because it does stain (not harmful but stains?).Never you mind, your trusty Painesville water department are onto it and are this very minute frantically flushing hydrants and adding more crap into the water to clear the discoloration. Good luck with that.
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By Friggin Loon on March 31, 2009 | No Friggin Comments
That's gotta hurt!
I am sorry, but if you are lonely and want to satisfy yourself, please don’t use a pine cone, it is gonna hurt. A poor sex starved spinster from Belgrade has had to endure two hours of painful surgery to remove the offending article from her hmm ….you know what…after it became stuck. From all accounts Ms Gavaric is recovering well, though slightly embarrassed and still not satisfied. You wont be seeing that on an episode of Greys Anatomy anytime soon…but then again.
Afterthought: Mirjana Gavaric may want to consider becoming pen friends with the Maryland couple!
Thought to Ponder : If medical info is confidential and can only be released with the patients permission..what are they thinking???
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By Friggin Loon on March 31, 2009 | No Friggin Comments
When you are Somali pirates it isn’t smart to try and attack a NATO ship. The pirates apparently mistook the FGS Spessart for a commercial merchant ship and tried to attack the naval vessel.Whoops wrong boat…run for it boys. Poor fools were then pursued by three ships, a frigate, a helicopter and a plane. Geez those seven pirates must have been cursing the day. Hmm, talk about taking this piracy seriously, isn’t that like one warcraft for each pirate? It was reported when they finally boarded the pirate ship they seized “several” weapons. Hmm is that like two or three? Bless, a NATO spokesman said: “Poor judgment by the pirates turned out to be a real opportunity for seven nations representing three task forces to work together and strike a momentous blow for maritime safety and security.” I think I would have dropped “momentous”. -
By Friggin Loon on March 31, 2009 | No Friggin Comments
Not Miljici again..he just wont quit it with his mother-in-law ...
OK, here’s the thing, trying to kill your mother-in-law with an anti-tank missile launcher is wrong…funny…but wrong. Oh Miroslav Miljici, blaming your wife’s mom for your marriage break up doesn’t give you the right to bombard her home with missiles. Hmm and then trying to finish her off with a machine gun is a little bit obsessive, don’t you think? As is the way of the world mother-in-law survived the whole friggin thing without barely a scratch. I am guessing the Bosnian judge must of taken pity because Miljici only got 6 years for attempted murder. During the trial Miljici’s defence was “he could no longer take his mother-in-law’s nagging.” Hmm, I guess a reconciliation is out of the question.
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By Friggin Loon on March 28, 2009 | No Friggin Comments
Is it my shout?
You know what I hate? When a friggin rabid bobcat walks into a bar and starts throwing its weight around (its bad enough dealing with cougars!). Hmm, yep the unfriendly critter just waltzed in to a Cottonwood bar in Arizona and began terrorizing the patrons. At first it was kind of funny but the bemused patrons soon realized the bobcat wasn’t there for a social drink. They slowly stepped away from their beers when the beast began showing signs of anti-social behavior (hmm, like friggin foaming at the mouth and dancing to Britney Spears!). The patrons were soon gathering atop the pool table, defending themselves with pool sticks (bet they’d seen Cujo!). One poor dude had the bobcat latch onto his face. I hear rabies shots hurt like hell! Enter Cottonwood police. The poor bobcat was shot and tests later confirmed it had rabies. Hmm, how long do you think before the Chapparal Bar will be selling rabid shooters?
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