That ain't helping!!
Geez, first you become the new queen of the track, next thing you know you are being accused of being a man! Could life get any better? Seems some of Caster Semenya’s rivals aren’t too happy she won the 800m nor...
You know times are tough when KFC offer to fill in America’s potholes.All hail KFC. Catch? Ah, there is always a catch. KFC in return for filling the potholes want the rights to stencil their logo over the top when completed.Thank goodness their logo aint a chook, imagine the “why did the chicken cross the road” jokes then? So far KFC have potholed Louisville in Kentucky.Other cities are still ho humming. Oh and by the way, there are an estimated 350 million of those suckers throughout the USA (how many chicken have to die….) .Good luck with that.
How the hell do you accidentally blow up a diver? Well, by using dynamite to fish for starters ! Oh for goodness sakes, four Vietnamese fishermen who were fishing in Phu Cu suddenly saw bubbles under the water and thought it was a big friggin fish so they tossed a stick of dynamite at it (as you do!!). Whoops, when they went to retrieve the fish they found one dead diver. Dynamiting a diver kinda takes the fun out of the whole experience, don’t ya think? Crap, what type of dynamite were they using that the friggin Coast Guard heard the explosion? Despite attempts to flee the scene, the authorities promptly arrested the four stunned mullets. Hmm, dynamite fishing is illegal in Vietnam because it damages coral reefs (no shit and divers too!). Hmm, wouldn’t it be cheaper just using a net? AND pray tell what friggin state would the fish be in after being blasted to kingdom come? So many questions….
Google Earth is becoming a friggin CCTV for alien enthusiasts. The latest image to get the “we are not alone” believers excited appeared in the town of Berkeley Heights in New Jersey (the alien was obviously lost!). ET was spotted loitering behind a bush next to a beam of light. Hmm,I hoping he wasn’t going for a leak? How embarrassing! The “alien” image was photographed on Diamond Hill Road about thirty miles from the Big Apple.Enter every friggin Strange Phenomena Expert with an opinion. What I want to know is who the hell was searching the bushes of a semi rural road in Berkeley Heights,anyways hmm? Well, one thing is for certain, it ain’t no water pumping facility.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you wanna see it right? Well, its your lucky day here are two friggin photos of ET in New Jersey. Can someone please give him a phone!
Bad day at the office Dave? Hmm, David Maksimik was pretty much a crook, not a good one, but a crook. In January Dave decided to rob a bank. He jumped in his car and headed to People’s United Bank in Darien. For added affect he strapped a fake hand grenade and a gun around his waist. It seemed to have worked, the teller handed him over $3745 (not bad for the effort) and he promptly jumped into his getaway car. With all the excitement and adrenaline pumping through his veins, clumsy Dave crashed his car near the scene of the crime. Not phased, he tried catching a bus, then hailing a taxi, but do you know how it is in Darien to find friggin public transport? As a last resort Dave rings his sister for a lift. When he gets home he finds his room mate dead, hmm, apparent suicide. Dave rings the emergency services but in his distress leaves his bag of money on the bed. It didn’t take long for the police to sneak a peek in the suspicious looking bag. Dave’s now in North Ave jail awaiting a hearing.
What is it with drivers and their GPS that they lose all common sense? Hello, that’s what windows are for people. Robert Jones loved his sat-nav (satellite navigator), so much so, that he continued to follow its instructions despite the fact it was leading him up the garden path (literally). Oh yes that’s right, Mr Jones drove his BMW up a steep narrowing footpath and right to the edge of a cliff with a 100ft drop because his sat-nav told him to! Lucky for him he stopped inches from a friggin death plunge. Hopefully now he will trust the view from his car window. Serves himself right that it took 9 hours for a team to haul his BMW and his sorry ass off the West Yorkshire cliff edge.
Daddy dearest Josef Fritzl is currently on trial.Color him evil. The creepy dude with the gravity defying hairdo and eyebrows, needn’t have hidden his face as he entered because everyone knows what he friggin looks like. Mr Fritzl is on trial for the repeated rape and 24 year imprisonment of his 4th daughter Elisabeth in a dungeon under his house in Austria. During that time Elisabeth gave birth to 7 of his children, one of which died soon after childbirth. His daughter was raped nearly everyday, he came, he raped, he left without a word. She delivered her first child alone, except for a pair of scissors, a blanket and a book on pregnancy in the damp,18sqm rat infested hovel. Despite being allowed to keep 3 of her children in the dungeon, he continued to rape her in front of them on a daily basis, simply turning the light out. Punishment came in the form of turning the power off for days on end with no water, food or candles.Escape was not an option as he had convinced Elisabeth and the children the underground hovel was booby-trapped. Fritzl’s lawyer Rudolf Mayer insisted he was a misunderstood man ( I kid you not) “He is a man who wanted a second family and wanted to care for that second family. If it was just rape, sexual pleasure, then he wouldn’t have wanted children. He could have used contraception.This is a man who slept in the cellar with his children and spent time with them over the Christmas period.” Oh and it gets better “He could have killed his daughter and everybody else and enjoyed the rest of his life as a respectable man.” Oh dear god, send him to jail too!!!!!
I must say I was a little surprised to learn that Kim Jong Il had sent several North Korean chefs to Italy to learn how to make pizza and pasta dishes. Silly me, I thought he would have taught them personally, being a master chef and all! But no. On their return, the chefs opened North Korea’s first pizzeria in Pyongyang.The restaurant is believed to import it’s flour, butter and cheese from Italy, which is nice considering the country is one of the poorest in the world and relies on international food aid to feed its people. All hail Kim Jong Il.
A hedgehog is nothing without his spines. Poor Spud the Hedgehog has a problem, a big friggin problem. He has got the worst skin complaint ever and no one has a solution. Staff at St Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital in Aylesbury, Bucks, have been bathing him in warm water and massaging him with baby oil in an attempt to ease his crusty dilemma. So desperate are the vets to find a cure they are actually seeking some ideas from alternative medicines (oh boy, THAT desperate huh!). Somebody, anybody?
It was suppose to be all you can eat and drink for the client!
You know the world is in trouble when the oldest profession also becomes the cheapest. The “Pussy Club”, a Berlin brothel, has been really feeling the pinch during Germany’s economic meltdown that it has decided to offer a flat rate for all of their prostitutes. Yep that’s right, for 90 bucks you can have your pick of the bunch PLUS all the food and drink you can stomach. Ooh and as an added bonus, guys you can bring your wives to watch. Yippee! So far the offer hasn’t increased business.
Canyon West Golf Club could be in deep shit and I ain’t meaning sand trap. Hmm, investigators are still on the 13th hole of Weatherford Golf Course trying to find answers to why there is a buried bulldozer? It seems someone buried the earth moving machine underneath the fairway some 14 odd years ago. Accident? I don’t think so! After a tip off the Texas Department of Public Safety, the Tarrant Regional Auto Crimes Task Force and the National Insurance Crime Bureau invaded the course and took shovels to the 13th . There they found themselves a 9,000 pound Ford rubber tire loader buried 10 feet under. Ewh dear, golf club owners, Stan Mickle and his father, Wes Mickle, are the likely suspects. It is thought the equipment was stolen and then used to build the course before being disposed of after the job was completed! Oh no, even worse, investigators are now checking to see if the Mickles reported the bulldozer stolen to claim insurance (surely not!). It is estimated that the dozer would have cost between $40,000 to $50,000 at the time.Fore!!!!
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